with your own penis?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
