you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
