All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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