Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize