and my herpes radar will keep us safe
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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