so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
