So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize