I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
