I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
