if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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