He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
