Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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