Your dad touched me again.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
