You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
