If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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