I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
