I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
