Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My vagina is officially offended.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize