I got chris browned last night
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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