96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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