The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
