i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
