And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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