the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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