I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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