If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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