Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
