i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
