I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
