Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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