The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize