I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
