I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
