She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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