Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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