I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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