my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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