the condom got lost in my hair
Life is so much better after having sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
