I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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