I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize