I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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