i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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