Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
