I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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