just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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