By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
