My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
