just come out here and I will go home with you...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
