my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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