Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
