Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize