just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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