I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
