also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
