Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
