I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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