I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
