??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
too bad you live with your parents still
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
