Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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