State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
