Four minutes until I can fart!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
