my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
where are my eyebrows?
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