I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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