The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
