i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
