I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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