Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
