look no pants
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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