I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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