Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
