if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
