He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
