This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
