im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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