And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
